


Panic

by rainerayner



Category: Dragon Age (Video Games), Dragon Age II
Genre: F/M
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2016-01-30
Updated: 2016-01-30
Packaged: 2018-05-17 03:51:56
Rating: General Audiences
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 1
Words: 1,226
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/5852962
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/rainerayner/pseuds/rainerayner
Summary: <blockquote class="userstuff">
              <p>Hawke is having a panic attack (because let's be real, hawke is only human and darn their job is hard) and Anders comes looking for her.</p>
            </blockquote>





	Panic

Was the floor shaking? No it was her foot. One, Two, Three, Four, turn, again. Vision was spotty, and there was a ringing in her ears. It was loud, so, so loud, but she could still hear her feet pound on the carpet, it shook her body. She wouldn’t cry, she wouldn’t, she had to go soon, had to meet Anders in the clinic soon. She closed her eyes, the red in her bedroom was causing an overload, and for a moment she could think. This was the third time this week, but she had to keep going. She shouldn’t even be home right now, now is not the time to take a break, she needed to go back to the clinic, people needed her. 

She opened her eyes again. There were tears, but they can’t fall, no they can’t. She must keep walking, walk away from the feeling, the tremors, the fear. The room seemed to spin, but people need her. There was just the battle, she was just in battle, people are hurt, Anders needs help. One, Two, Three, Four, turn, again. The ringing was louder, her feet weren't making a noise anymore, so she stomped harder. Her senses needed to return to normal, she couldn’t be late this time. She had to help them now. 

“Hawke?” There was a voice, she could hear it, but it was distant. She stopped walking for a moment. “Hawke, are you alright?” Anders, he was at the door. She couldn’t find her voice, and her feet were sinking, sinking into the carpet, they wouldn’t stop sinking, so she walked again, and found her voice.

“Yes.” She squeaked out, Her voice felt tiny, was it? She didn’t know. “I’ll be there, in a second. Just one second. Hold on.” Why was he here? He was supposed to be at the clinic, if he wasn’t there who was helping the patients? This was her fault. He shouldn’t be checking on her, she didn’t need help, but the patients did. 

“Hawke can I come in?” She stopped again. His voice had pity, but she didn’t want it. He shouldn’t have to see her like this, he would feel bad for her, she couldn’t waste his time any more than she already did. 

“No!” She yelled, her voice cracked. “No, I’ll be out just a second.” Tears were welling up more, and she paced faster. 

“Hawke…” The door began to open up, slowly, and she watched it. Her heart skipped even faster than before, and she paced more, trying to control the shaking. She wanted to yell at him to go, but her voice was gone again. He walked slowly, reaching towards her, concerned, brow furrowed, she knew that expression. He used it on patients, he used it to help, she didn’t deserve it. She looked away, at anything but his face, he didn’t need to see her like this. 

“I’m fine, I’m fine, I’m okay. I’ll come in a second, just let me catch my breath.” She stopped pacing, and started trying to breathe, staring straight at the floor. She felt her hands shaking, and her legs, and every part of her body. It was bad, she needed to calm down, just to be calm. He looked at her, she could feel his eyes on her head, watching, sympathy, but how many people needed help in the clinic right now? She would be alright, she would be fine. She just needed a moment. 

She noticed the warmth of his hands circled around her wrists the same moment the first tear ran down her cheek. She was still shaking, hyperventilating, crying. She tried to open her eyes, but the vision was spotty. She was dizzy. He tried to steady her, gripping her arm as a healer would to try and calm a child afraid of injections. She was shaking violently, and her knees began to collapse. His hands remained steady as he lead her to sit on the ground. She saw his crossed legs, blurred by her tears, but calmer than ever. How could he do it? For so long he remained at ease, constantly. She always thought his job was harder than hers. Long tedious hours, the pressure to save lives on the spot, she was just preventative, not responsible for anyone but herself. She could be helping, but instead she was taking care of herself. 

His thumbs both traced circles on her skin. He held on firm, but with care. She could feel the pressure again, the world was slowing down. She knew he was saying something, but didn’t listen, couldn’t listen, no matter how hard she tried. Her ears were ringing too loud, but the world slowed as he traced.

"Hawke, breathe." She could hear him again. His voice was distant. He was looking at her; she could feel it, but she didn't want to confirm by meeting his eyes. The fibers in the rug swirled with her vision, and she watched as tears splashed in slow motion onto it. She wanted the courage to look at him, he was so patient, but she was embarrassed. This wasn't who she was. Her shaking slowed as she calmed down. She began to take deeper breaths, though it felt as if her lungs were rejecting the air. Anders pulled his hand further up her arm and rubbed her shoulders, giving her the warmth she had lost in the breakdown. Her entire body sunk down. She was physically present, but her mind didn't feel right. She had to say something.

"I'm sorry." Her voice sounded tiny again, but she was sincere in what she said. She didn't want him to see her like this.

"Hey." He tried to catch her attention. His voice was still calm. "It's not your fault." She looked up at him, his eyes met hers and he smiled a bit, the way he did with the corner of his mouth, the one look she loved so much, but he was wrong. 

"I'm...." She didn't know how to explain it. "supposed to be the one out there, I'm not there now." His smile fell. "I need to hold up for people, if not for myself." She rested her back against the end board of the bed, and wiped away the last tear that was to fall that day. She watched Anders' face fall into disappointment, so she looked away. It was turning out to be a rather bad day.

"Hawke, don't apologize for something you can't control." He started. "I know you can't control it, and you do too. It's not a bad thing." He squeezed her hand, and wiped another tear off her cheek. "Your job is kind of difficult." She laughed, and it felt natural.

"Yeah?" 

"Yeah." He scooted around her so that his back was up against the bed-board too. He didn't let go of her hand as he moved. "I'm a healer Hawke, I can help my friends too. I want to." They both looked straight ahead, she tried to get back in her head again, noticing the way her body felt on the floor and the feeling of the side of his legs against hers, trying to understand herself again.

"Just don't tell Varric about this, I don't need my episodes going into a book." She said, only half joking.

"Not a word."


End file.
